What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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