She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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