My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
