The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
