allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
