i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
