i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
