my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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