This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
