I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
