You're completely useless in the revolution.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize