remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's always time for handjobs
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
