Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize