I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
