one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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