my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
