I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
