I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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