I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
