just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
