i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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