rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
