You're a womanizer and a bitch.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
