Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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