I've blown a few things in my day
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
God I need to hump something, right now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
