It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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