babies were throwing up all over the place
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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