Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
