One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
