Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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