just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
