I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
