hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize