Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
