I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
