May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
