If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no you cant smoke seaweed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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