No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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