So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
