after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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