You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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