My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
