No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
