i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
