My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
