Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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