She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
