oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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