Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
