I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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