I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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