I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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