I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize