Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
