It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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