Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
