I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
